Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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