I can text with my tongue
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
