Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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