Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize