oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You took a bar mat shot.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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