He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
