Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize