the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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