I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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