so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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