3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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