I'm pants shitting drunk right now
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So many bounce houses so little time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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