Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
