He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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