does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
