I wish I could teleport
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
