I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
