I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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