Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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