Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
how drunk are you?
Several
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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