please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
