My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
