Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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