i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
