So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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