I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
