Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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