yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
