I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
