He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
