At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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