Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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