FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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