i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
