i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
