well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
