I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
