Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
