Betty ford says i'm here all night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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