im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
