The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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