Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome