she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.