The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low