My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it