I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
