I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
