Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
