Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
