apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
