i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
