Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
