Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
