Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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