maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
