Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
