You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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