take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize