"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
