I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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