I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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